not-a-turk

tonight i finally made the dolmas i've been planning forever to make. b gave me the recipe for the fantastic ones he made for me a few months ago. i used all the same ingredients he used (the currants and pine nuts were left over, and i bought the same brand jar of damn-tasty-salty-ass grape leaves he had used) because i am not a good cook and i wanted to Minimize. The. Chance. Of. Error.

part of the reason i am not a good cook is that i do not like to follow the recipe, ever. i'll think, why should i buy that particular spice when i can just add extra pepper? or, why should i add the whole tomato when i barely like tomatoes? or, i forgot to buy lemons, maybe pomegranate juice will substitute. (hey, both tart)

but i decided to follow the recipe exactly -and was so dedicated that i even bought a whole stinking bunch of dill in order to chop up 2 tablespoons' worth. making the filling was really easy, and i started to get a little cocky. oh yeah, i thought - i am TOTALLY a good cook. peep the way i cook turkish, yo. then it came time for the grape leaves.

the first problem with the grape leaves was the impossibility of extracting a tube of the bastards from their tightly-packed jar. once i finally got a tube out - smooshed, a little ripped up on one end, and much cussed-at - the impossibility actually TRANSFERRED to the unrolling part. those salty leaves weren't unrollin' if they didn't damn well feel like unrollin'. i finally got them to talk with some warm-water torture, but i'm not gonna tell you what they said about your sister in the process. then i picked a few in good shape, and followed b's instructions (one leaf, .5-1 Tbsp near center, fold edges over and roll up). except i seemed to make holes everywhere. rice sticking out every which way - including loose. whenever i got a good one going, i seemed to tear it at the last minute. damn, i thought, could b really have far more delicate grape-leaf-handling abilities than i?

finally, with about half a pot's worth rolled, i noticed that it was getting late. and my fingers were pickling - bad. so, i started multiple-leafing it, extra fiber be damned. a big leaf with some little pieces to cover the gaps, or two little leaves overlapping. weak ones went in the can, no second chances. worked like a charm! this is what i came up with:

i'm particularly proud of the wide size distribution - i put the largest and smallest in the front of the photo to illustrate. see? pretty cool. the ones that were sealed well in the first place stayed together pretty well. and mind you - this is only the best ones - mid-roll failures went right down the hopper to my belly, and never had a chance to be cooked!